Some real gems in this one.
--pws

from http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/071101&sportCat=nfl

The secret facts about the Colts and Pats   

By DJ Gallo
Page 2

DJ Gallo's AM Jump: Patriots vs Colts

You have probably seen a bit of coverage, here and there, on the upcoming Patriots-Colts game. I was going to preview the matchup for you, but what can I really add at this point? Instead, I decided to tell you some interesting facts that you may not know about the TWO GREATEST TEAMS IN FOOTBALL HISTORY!!!

(And, please, if you know any facts about the Patriots and Colts that I failed to include, add them in the comments section below.)

• A Toyota Tundra traveling 400 mph while towing 12 cargo planes once tried to penetrate the Patriots' offensive line. The convoy exploded on impact.

• When Stephen Gostkowski kicks the ball, he kicks it so hard that every pig in the world suffers a broken rib. And footballs aren't even made of pigskin anymore.

• Peyton Manning has a lifetime $100 trillion contract to be the official endorser of canned Whoop-Ass.

• Human growth hormone didn't work for Rodney Harrison. He is a god, not a human .

AP Photo/Rick Havner

There is no doubt, Peyton Manning is indeed a deity.

• When Peyton Manning mooned that girl in college, he did not show her his butt. He showed her the actual moon. He holds it, and the rest of the universe, in his right hand. Every pass he throws is a shooting star.

• At God's right hand sits Tom Brady. At His left sits Peyton Manning. At His feet sits the entire world, worshipping him. And above Him is Bill Belichick, moving God around with marionette strings.

• There are four primary sacred texts in the world: the Bible, the Koran, the Torah and the Patriots' playbook.

• How do you know the Patriots aren't running up the score? Their opponents are still alive.

• The U.S. Navy has a top-secret destroyer-class ship that is invisible and annihilates anything in is path. Its name? The U.S.S. Tedy Bruschi.

• Bill Belichick is such a genius, he nearly compiled a .500 record with the Cleveland Browns.

• A perfect quarterback rating is 158.3. Tom Brady's is infinity.

• A Marvin Harrison football card is worth more than the U.S. dollar. Soon the Euro will be replaced by the Harrison.

• Colts center Jeff Saturday is so good, they named a day after him.

• A rolling stone gathers no moss. That's just further proof that nothing can keep up with Randy Moss.

• Tom Brady's offensive line provides five layers of protection. No one has ever even glimpsed layers two through five.

• Adam Vinatieri is actually left-footed. He kicks with his weak foot so he can keep the ball in the stadium.

• SPOILER ALERT: The final episode of the NBC series "Heroes" shows all the Heroes coming together to form the 2007 New England Patriots.

• Junior Seau doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He killed him for entering his house unannounced when he was 6.

• Bill Belichick is dating your mom.

• Hunter Smith hunts humans. The wall of his den is covered with the heads of punt returners who dared to try to cross the 50.

AP Photo/Stephan Savoia

There was never a time when Tom Brady wasn't sexy.

• Tom Brady was named People magazine's "sexiest baby" in 1977.

• Bill Belichick is so far inside your head, he knows what you are going to do next.

• Bill Belichick said you would read this line next .

• "Bob Sanders" is not his real name. That's an obvious alias. His real name? Assassin Jones.

• Bill Belichick cuts the sleeves off his sweatshirts because he doesn't want to get blood on his sleeves when he rips out an opponent's heart.

• Bob Kraft has so many Super Bowl rings, he gives them away for free to Russian heads of state.

• The Colts don't run up the score. They dial up the pain.

• Jesus bought Tony Dungy's book to learn how to be a better man.

• Dallas Clark's real name is Andy McGee. He just gave himself a porn-star name so his opponents would be even more humiliated when he scores on them.

• Satellites are not put into space by rockets. Unless you consider Peyton Manning's rocket arm a real rocket.

• Bill Belichick is so good at cheating, we will never know even half the stuff he has done .

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.